One whole month it’s taken me to write this post. I’ve opened my laptop on so many occasions but my mind has been blank. I had so many words to share but at the same time I felt so empty. I would stare at my screen for hours with so many feelings rushing through my mind but unsure how to share them.
I would like to share with my readers the reason my European holiday came to a end so suddenly. After spending 7 weeks travelling around Europe I decided to head back to stay with my family in the UK for a quick detox before the last leg of my trip.
It was Tuesday September 19th at 7:30am UK time when I got woken by a call from my mum back home. You know that feeling when your parents call you and you know whatever they say is not going to be good? Yeah, I had that feeling.
It was about my Nanna, she wasn’t doing well. I knew she’d been in hospital with a virus but i didn’t realise it was so bad. My Nanna had Leukemia so I had just assumed that this was just a part of the illness and she’d be able to go back home in no time.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I heard mum’s voice. Mum didn’t sound herself, she sounded nervous and upset.
The hospital had given Nanna 72 hours to live. My world, My Hero, was only going to be on this earth for another 72 hours, give or take.
72 hours? That’s it. I didn’t even know how to feel. I was shocked and I was so far away.
Mum gave me the choice to come home or continue my European holiday. It took me minutes to make up my mind and to book my flight home. I knew I had a long 24 hours of travel ahead of me.
At first I was in shock. I couldn’t quite understand how things changed so quickly. I had left Australia 7 weeks earlier and Nanna was doing really well. I felt this pain in my heart that I don’t think I will ever be able to forget.
The trip home was exhausting. I prayed that she wasn’t going to pass whilst I was on the plane. When I finally landed in Adelaide my brother was waiting for me and all I could wonder is if Nan was still with us. I had never been more relieved when my brother said “Of course Em”. I’d had next to no sleep and it was 11pm so I decided it was best to head home and visit Nan first thing in the morning.
Arriving at the Hospital the next morning I felt nervous. Coming to terms with the fact my Nan had under 72 hours to live was not something I was ready to do. I looked up to Nan ever since I was a young girl. Nan was my best friend, the only person who’s presence could change my whole mood.
I sat down on a chair beside Nan’s hospital bed. At first she couldn’t remember who I was. Mum told me to keep talking to Nan and that it might help her remember. I sat and talked to Nan for hours. I told her all about my holiday and all of the beautiful countries I got to visit. I will never forget the smile Nan had on her face once she realised I was home and in the room with her. Exhausted can’t even define how I felt but after hearing Nan say “I missed you baby girl” Nothing else in the world mattered.
I was Nan’s baby girl. Being the last born Grandchild the name was fitting and I loved it.
Nan wasn’t comfortable in hospital. We had organised for her to come home with us. We’d had a hospital bed set up at our home and arranged for nurses to come out and stay over night to assist and make sure Nan was comfortable. Mum had set up couches next to Nan so we could sit and talk to her if we wished.
It was Thursday night. The Jet lag had kicked in and I was feeling emotionally drained. I was feeling like every second I spent away from her she was going to slip away and I wouldn’t be there to tell her it was ok. I was afraid to let her die because I knew a little piece of me was about to die right along with her. Although Nan was not awake I knew she could hear me. I talked to her as much as I could. I talked to her about all the things I’d hoped for in the future and about all the wonderful memories we had shared together. I never wanted my time with Nan to end.
Friday morning soon approached and we had family and friends coming by all day to say their goodbyes. I knew I had to say my goodbyes soon too but I felt lost and wasn’t quite ready. Nan hadn’t opened her eyes since we brought her home but she looked peaceful and that is all that mattered to me.
My family and I sat with Nan for hours that Friday night. We all sat around laughing, talking, crying and celebrating Nan’s wonderful life. It felt amazing to be surrounded by my family and their love.
On Saturday 23rd September at 9:00am Nan left this beautiful life. Although I knew this moment was coming there is simply no way of preparing yourself.
I held her hand and kissed her on the head one last time. Losing someone you love is one of the hardest parts of life but I believe that the ones that love us truly never leave us. I am confident that Nan will be by my side forever and guide me through life just like she always has.
A month on I still have days where I struggle to comprehend that Nan is gone. I am learning to roll with the emotions and understand that everyone copes with grief differently.
We are born, we live, and one day we become nothing but a memory. That is life.
Thank you for reading. This has been the toughest post I have ever written. Losing someone you love is never easy but just remember that everyone deals with grief differently. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how you should be feeling, deal with it at your own pace and always remember that you are not alone.
Nan, heaven gained the most beautiful angel. You will forever be in my heart.
Love Always, Your Baby Girl